Older Republicans: MLK was actually bad, he hurt his cause. Blue lives matter. Occasionally says N-word out of old habit but tries not to. Wears Trump hat. Millenials are whining too much, it’s not like wages haven’t risen with productivity since the 1970’s, they are crushed by student debt, they can’t afford to house or medical care, or the job market is extremely scarce. “Muh bootstraps.” FAKE NEWS! Except Fox News, Fox News is the most reliable news in the world!
Republicans: Blatantly deny the overwhelming evidence that black people and other minorities are systematically put at a disadvantage. It’s poor people’s fault they are poor, nevermind the growing wealth inequality. Poor people just need to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” and be born into a rich family like I was. Capitalist exploitation is good. Tax cuts to the rich trickle down to the poor- even though they never have. The world is 6000 years old and God will save us if we destroy the planet even though the overwhelming scientific evidence for climate change is a hoax. Supports small government in theory but a big government in practice. Only wants small government on things that low key allow people/ planet to get hurt. Obama is a socialist even though I don’t actually know what socialism is. Knees hit the floor faster than the democrats when big business comes knocking. Healthcare is a human right? Let me talk to you about the freedom of unfreedom!
Democrats: Praises President Obama and other Neoliberal politicians despite the terrible economic policies they have unleashed on working people, thinks an imperialist war-hawk with an ideological coalition of wall street, occupy wall street, LGBT+ rights, Saudi Arabia money is ‘progressive’ *cough Hillary. VoteBlueNoMatterWho. Thinks the TPP was a good thing. Abortion is more than just a tragic necessity, it’s a good thing. Drone strikes in X country are only bad when a Republican does it. Prides themselves on kneeling with more resistance to their capitalist overlords than the republicans.
Libertarians: Capitalism is good because it creates jobs. What do you mean empirical evidence of exploitation? Poor people have a right to be poor! But the slave signed a free contract! If you don’t want to be a wage-slave that’s okay! You can go sign a contract under another master or become a master yourself! There should be no age of consent, everything bad that capitalism does is actually the government. The state can disappear under class society. Neo-feudalism. Thinks they are anarchists.
“Progressive” Democrats: Bernie is a socialist like me. Let’s be socialist like Scandinavia because socialism is where the government regulates capitalism because I don’t know what socialism actually is. We have to vote for Clinton to stop Trump. Welfare state social-democratic capitalism is socialism, and it’s good. I’m a democratic socialist but NOT a communist.
All of the above: Socialism is when the government does stuff and when it does EVERYTHING, that’s communism!
Marxist-Leninists: Heavy historical revisionism *coughs Grover Furr. Actually, Stalin was good. Supports the DPRK because imperialism. What do you mean 20th century Marxism failed? The Berlin wall was a good thing, or a bad thing depending on which one you ask. Thinks the state-capitalist system in the USSR was socialist because daddy Stalin said so. Everything I don’t like is revisionist. China is socialist. Lowkey: Socialism is when the government does stuff when flying a red banner.
Green progressives: Pretty cool people. Good ideas on energy. Utopian ideas on government. Can be almost as bad as the republicans when it comes to GMOs, vaccines, David Avacado Wolff, and the shape of the earth. Eco-socialism. Sometimes actually knows that socialism is WORKER, not state control of the means of production. Somewhat unreliable sources.
Trotskyists: Will you buy my newspaper? Everyone thinks I’m a Marxist-Leninist because everyone thinks Marxism-Leninism = communism so I get called bad words. I get attacked for things Marxist-Leninists did even though Stalin killed or deported all the Trotskyists in the USSR. I was criticizing the same idea that the person attacked me for supposedly having myself. Permanent revolution works (in theory) even though there are no semi-feudal countries left and no real way for there to be a permanent revolution. The USSR would have been great if Trotksy was in charge. Reads a lot of books. Calls Marxist-Leninists ‘Stalinists’.
Anarchists: Let’s knock over trash cans and burn stuff. What do you mean objective material conditions? What is a dialectic? Is pretty cool. Smokes a lot of weed. Thinks the state can go away under class society. What do you mean by ‘lead a successful revolution’? You must be authoritarian tankie because you think we need even a small state in order to achieve socialism.